When home doesn’t feel like home

Almost four years since we arrived, Jordan still doesn’t quite feel like home. Right before we left to come back to the US for the summer, it was finally feeling like it. I could feel roots growing deeper and a sense of hope about living there.

But over the past few weeks since arriving in the US, I have noticed deep sadness every time I think about going back. It isn’t that I want to stay in the US but somehow I have found myself at different times wishing we didn’t have to return. Our first season in Jordan was marked by deep loss and unrelenting stress. It ended in horrific tragedy. I have felt a darkness there that at best, hurts my guts; at worst, it threatens my hope. And while we are no longer in that first season, the memory of it is still raw & fresh. Some of the loss is still there – painfully close.

While places are significant and it matters to learn to love where we live, what is comforting me these days is this- I am returning to a Person more than a place.

Though there is so much beauty in Jordan, it is not its beauty that beckons me back. It is my Savior. The deep love that flows within the Trinity has enveloped me and become my home. The safety of his nearness, the surety of his nurture, the generosity of his tenderness, the intimacy of his friendship & his profound delight – it is all so real, no matter where I am.

All of the Christian life is traveling to God with God. So, hiding in the warmth of the embrace of my Father, I face with Christ the grief about going back, instead of shoving it down in shame. The Spirit whispers, “We’ll hold you as you cry. We’ll be your safe place right here, right now. We are with you for as long as you need – from Eternity to Eternity, in fact.”

No need for tying this up in a beautiful bow. This is glory too- to know it is okay that Jordan (or any other place, really) doesn’t quite feel like home. Because my Savior does.

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